Franz Klingermann is an 8 foot 2 ton man-mountain who can palm a medicine ball.

Franz Klingermann is the father of every kid in this town!

Franz Klingermann once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!

One time I was with Franz in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Franz goes up to the deer and says, "I'm Franz Klingermann! SAY IT!" Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, "franzklingermann" ... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!

He'd eat a homeless person if you dared him!

His poop is used as currency in Argentina.

He sweats Gatorade.

He once breast-fed a flamingo back to health.

He hated Mexicans! And he was half Mexican! .......And he hated irony!

I once saw him scissor kick Angela Landsbury.

He sheds his skin once a year.

He makes brooms somewhere in Georgia.

He did 3 tours in 'Nam...... I was in Corpus Christi on business a month ago. I had this eight foot tall Asian waiter, which made me curious. I asked him his name. Sure enough it's Ho Tran Klingermann!

I once saw him eat a whole live chicken.

His favorite movie is "One on One" with Robby Benson.

He sleeps eight hours a night! ........ well, he was pretty normal when it came to that.

Did I ever tell you about the time Klingermann took me out to go get a drink with him? We go off looking for a bar and we can't find one. Finally Franz takes me to a vacant lot and says, "Here we are."  We sat there for a year and a half and sure enough someone constructs a bar around us. The day they opened we ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Franz yelled over the roar of the flames, "Always leave things the way you found 'em!"

Franz Klingermann had a four day heart attack...a day for each chamber. At the autopsy, they said his heart looked like a basketball filled with riccotta cheese.

He once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road.

He taught me how to make love to a woman, and how to scold a child.

They found $60 in change in his stomach.

He did all the makeup on the "Planet of the Apes" movie.

He grew a 3rd arm and kept it in a vault.

Franz drank a full glass of liquid LSD with his eggs. Then he slept for 8 months straight. When he woke he rubbed his eyes and said, "All in all, I prefer gin."

They say Gene Roddenbery got the idea for Star Trek from listening to Franz talk in his sleep.

He date raped David Bowie.

He once inhaled a seagull.

The Pope told him it was OK to have a mistress.

It was the sight of Klingermann's naked body that drove Brian Wilson insane.  

He once had sex with a cigarette machine.

He killed Wolfman Jack with a trident.

He uses the Shroud of Turin as a golf towel.

He once ate the Bible while water skiing.

He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

He sired a baseball team.. an orchestra if you count the bastards!

You know, he would shoot whiskey into his neck with a syringe!

He has dandruff the size of mice!

He jogged with a fridge on his back!

Franz Klingermann was a 10 foot monster who slept with all our wives! And punched us all in the face! And we loved him for it!

He's a ten-foot tall beastman who showers in vodka and feeds his baby shrimp scampi.

He orchestrated the merger between Unicef and Smith & Wessen.

He went public with his own buttocks and made $7 million.

Did I ever tell you about the time Klingermann went hunting? Klingermann decides he's going to hunt down all four of the Banana Splits. He stalks and kills every one of them with a machette. They all begged for their lives...except Fleagle.  

We once had a bachelor party for Franz. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.  

Franz once hosted the Grammys and gave every award to Corey Hart.

He has a toenail on the end of his penis.  

Franz once got his wife pregnant and gave birth to a delicious 16 ounce steak. The afterbirth was sautéed mushrooms.

Klingermann's family crest is a picture of a barracuda eating Neil Armstrong.

Klingermann ranked 18th in the AP College Football Poll.

Did I ever tell you about the time Klingermann was in a production of, "The King & I?" On opening night, Klingermann chloroforms the entire cast and slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours. The production got pretty good reviews.

He breastfeeds John Madden.

Klingermann named the group Sha-Na-Na. They did NOT want to be called that.

If you drop a phonograph needle on Klingermann's nipple, it plays the Beach Boys' "Pet Sounds."

They use Klingermann's foreskin as a tarp when it rains at Yankee stadium.

Klingermann directed that commercial where the women play basketball in high heels.

All the "Yes" album covers are Klingermann family photos.

He wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

Did I ever tell you about the time he taught his son how to drive? He did it by entering him in the Indy 500. The kid wrecked and died. Klingermann said it would've happened sometime.

Klingermann's semen can form into a liquid human - like the guy from "Terminator 2"

Klingermann still believes in Santa Claus, and he wants to put him in porno films.

He thinks then iron man is gay.

He framed Roger Rabbit.

The character of Johnny Appleseed was based on Klingermann - except for the apple tree planting and not raping men.

He gave a handjob to a manta ray.

The DGS thanks Bill Brasky for compiling this information on Franz Klingermann.

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